every little thing has a consequence and sometimes they don’t go the way you’d like. somedays you meet a stranger in a tea cafe and there is a shift from one end of the spectrum to another. other days you … Continue reading
I remember a glorious time, beautiful, painstakingly wrought. It was not complete, but the foundations were laid and I knew where I was going with it. The story had begun. Then I lost it. After an appropriate period of mourning, I spent forever imagining it and telling everyone who would listen of its beauty. And it grew in the telling, until even in my mind, the pearls were turned to diamonds, the rough edges were smoothed away. Where there was age, I saw comfort. Where there were cracks, I saw character. Everywhere the work of the hammer was softened by memory to the delicate work of a GrandMaster’s chisel.
Today I pulled out that book. Flipped through the pages. Read some of those words that I thought were … just beyond description. And the pages crumbled beneath my fingers, and even my memory turned to dust. The words that remained were painstakingly put together, true. The attempt to be mysterious made them merely opaque. And none of it had the magic I wove into the memory of my beloved.
I found an old “manuscript” today. Needless to say, it makes my dead writing look good.
Much that once was, no longer is. My mind cannot wrap itself around all that I have lost, or perhaps willfully set aside. Most people grow. I seem to have devolved.
Maybe that is just as well. Perhaps it’s easier to fix the flaws on a lower model.
Maybe it’s sour grapes.
I just miss the edgy, vivid ALIVE feeling that used to accompany writing.
What happens when you are perfectly at home when you return to four narrow walls that were never yours (nor could be) ? It’s the ohshitohshitohshit, not again! feeling. And it leads to more paper cuts of pain. Mindless work … Continue reading
IF hedonism is the avoidance of pain, rather than the pursuit of pleasure, then are those who avoid conflict cowards, hedonists or both?
What would you?
Seek beauty — happiness –,
or avoid pain?
OR seek it,
thinking you would find the path to the temple of pain cathartic?
Or seek naught but live your life as you will or it comes?