Did you know?
I’ve been hiding for about three months now. It is difficult to remember that if you choose to enter the stasis box, the word will have changed when you come out. When I went in, I knew. In my mind, that is. It is a bit of a shock to see that.
My world has vanished in quiet flames. Perhaps I have my family – my rock, without whom I would be nothing. I have certainly irreparably damaged my connections to people. I don’t understand why withdrawal hurts but I told it does. I am sorry in the same way that I knew that everything would change when I disappeared. When I come all the way out, I will feel sorry the same way I now feel shock – in the heart. As for the rest of it – well, I never really wanted it anyway. If I had, I would have fought for it. Wouldn’t I?
every little thing has a consequence and sometimes they don’t go the way you’d like. somedays you meet a stranger in a tea cafe and there is a shift from one end of the spectrum to another. other days you … Continue reading
I remember a glorious time, beautiful, painstakingly wrought. It was not complete, but the foundations were laid and I knew where I was going with it. The story had begun. Then I lost it. After an appropriate period of mourning, I spent forever imagining it and telling everyone who would listen of its beauty. And it grew in the telling, until even in my mind, the pearls were turned to diamonds, the rough edges were smoothed away. Where there was age, I saw comfort. Where there were cracks, I saw character. Everywhere the work of the hammer was softened by memory to the delicate work of a GrandMaster’s chisel.
Today I pulled out that book. Flipped through the pages. Read some of those words that I thought were … just beyond description. And the pages crumbled beneath my fingers, and even my memory turned to dust. The words that remained were painstakingly put together, true. The attempt to be mysterious made them merely opaque. And none of it had the magic I wove into the memory of my beloved.
I found an old “manuscript” today. Needless to say, it makes my dead writing look good.
Curved plastic shielding six – or when the sky is clear, twenty – odd people chattering away about three doors down, pandit ravi shankar, or the wavelength of x-ray for diffraction of the micro-crystal, or particle physics with equal ease. All of them clustered around the black cement table that couldn’t hold twenty cups without seeming crowded, out for a break during lab time, for a birthday, for a tea, for a breather and a freshener before diving right back into whatever they came from.
Sharing tea, swapping stories about work (or life, which might almost be the same thing for this lot), and friendly and malicious gossip about friends, acquaintances, absolute strangers, and mrs. sharma’s daughters. Absolute strangers, of course, who didn’t stay strangers for long in a closed campus with limited privacy, since five years – at the least – in one place made sure you got to know people whom you may otherwise never – or only – have talked about.
Most tables occupied by a person sitting alone and contemplating who-knows what, or two people engaged in quiet, if sometimes vigorous conversation. And more rarely, when three or four gather, managing to pull off a controlled, if not dignified appearance despite loud disputes that can be heard clear across the place.
The chipped cups, the black tea “lemon beda”, and soothing yellow lighting where atlas could shrug. And someone else would pick up the burden, just for the curiosity of it.
I have a Roman coin: Janus looks both forward and back. Hence January, at the threshold of the old year and the new. Happy New Year! [Belated, of course].
I found a tag at Dreamcatcher’s, and I helped myself to it. It seemed to suit. 🙂
10 things I miss
- Home: Curd rice. 🙂 My brother, that fool. Small things.
- My books in one place and reachable.
- Hostel at college and all those late night chats. Exam times. Yes, really.
- Being in touch with friends. Knowing what’s up with everyone whom I want to know what’s up with.
- The time to read aitmiyaan-se.
- Being less cynical. And less worried. And so, World Peace. It seems that the world was nicer before.
- Free Sundays.
- Jalebi from Chitoor Bus Stand and friends who would take me there after I’ve cried my eyes out.
- Old friends who aren’t friends anymore.
- Enjoying Tirupati and Uttiramerur.
10 things I dream of doing in the next decade
- Live in Europe.
- Go bungee jumping off those cliffs in Australia, somehow.
- Work in Harvard – systems biology.
- Meet those people I’ve been planning to meet for years, but haven’t.
- Get married.
- Visit both Egypt and Israel. And Russia. And Japan. Possibly live in Japan.
- Write that book.
- Do meaningful research.
- Paint. Learn the Veena – what little I knew, I must have forgotten. Speak French and Italian fluently.
- Visit the Himalayas. Uttar Kashi or something. Also, Gwalior. Udaipur. Write in Tamil. And Hindi.
Don’t quibble. Some of those things are petty, perhaps, meaningless, perhaps, foolish perhaps. But that’s what I want to do. And eventually, I will. I hope.
Here’s to a new year:
pallandu petru palla kodi vazhgai;
[live long and prosper.]
what’s begun badly, goes smoothly later. I hope.