Tag Archives: memories

Aside

It’s a bit morbid to hold on to the past. I always expect the smell of corpses and filthy clothing to waft past me when I start feeling sorry for myself, or start missing the wrong things or people. That … Continue reading

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Dream =? Reality

Every time I dream of him, he gets more and more real. This is the fourth time that I remember that I knew it was him, and now I don’t even know that he’s any different from all the others that populate my imagination.

He’s ruining me for real life, for the run of the mill nice guys, for the assholes. 

I’ve always been terrified of seeing his face, because once I did, it would be IT. Ka-splash. Camphor falls. End of story.  So why do I feel bad that he doesn’t exist?

Neruda

I’m a bit lost, a bit adrift
Straying along the galaxy
Sleep deprived a little
Working overtime. Yes.

Wondering about loss and pain
and what they mean, really.

How very unfair it is that

some few can drive daggers into hearts &
some have and some lose, but all hurt

What does it matter anyhow?

Nothing is to stay, and maybe just maybe neruda was too full of pain and bitterness to see:
He had her once. He’ll never forget. And for those moments she was only his. You can’t control or be sure of what will happen. Or what happened before. And if ownership is a concept real, then to have had is to have, because you’ll never lose your past unless you choose to.

Or you forget.

January

Janus-coinI have a Roman coin: Janus looks both forward and back. Hence January, at the threshold of the old year and the new. Happy New Year! [Belated, of course].

I found a tag at Dreamcatcher’s, and I helped myself to it. It seemed to suit. 🙂

10 things I miss

  • Home: Curd rice. 🙂 My brother, that fool. Small things.
  • My books in one place and reachable.
  • Hostel at college and all those late night chats. Exam times. Yes, really.
  • Being in touch with friends. Knowing what’s up with everyone whom I want to know what’s up with.
  • The time to read aitmiyaan-se.
  • Being less cynical. And less worried. And so, World Peace. It seems that the world was nicer before.
  • Free Sundays.
  • Jalebi from Chitoor Bus Stand and friends who would take me there after I’ve cried my eyes out.
  • Old friends who aren’t friends anymore.
  • Enjoying Tirupati and Uttiramerur.

10 things I dream of doing in the next decade

  • Live in Europe.
  • Go bungee jumping off those cliffs in Australia, somehow.
  • Work in Harvard – systems biology.
  • Meet those people I’ve been planning to meet for years, but haven’t.
  • Get married.
  • Visit both Egypt and Israel. And Russia. And Japan. Possibly live in Japan.
  • Write that book.
  • Do meaningful research.
  • Paint. Learn the Veena – what little I knew, I must have forgotten. Speak French and Italian fluently.
  • Visit the Himalayas. Uttar Kashi or something. Also, Gwalior. Udaipur. Write in Tamil. And Hindi.

Don’t quibble. Some of those things are petty, perhaps, meaningless, perhaps, foolish perhaps. But that’s what I want to do. And eventually, I will. I hope.

Here’s to a new year:

pallandu petru palla kodi vazhgai;
[live long and prosper.]
what’s begun badly, goes smoothly later. I hope.